Saturday, July 11, 2015

Review Of The Dicks Of Hazzard

 So with all the stuff happening with The Confederate Flag and TV Land pulling reruns of The Dukes Of Hazzard off the air and even the current owner of The General Lee saying he's going to paint The American Flag over The Confederate Flag I thought it would be funny to review the gay porn parody that game out about ten years ago called, of course, The Dicks Of Hazzard.
Distributed by EON Films, the film was written, produced and directed by Rocky Brown and is one of those wonderfully low budget porno films; if you look on IMDB you'll even see that a couple of the boys in the cast even served as crew members helping out with holding the boom mic or doing hair and makeup and, not that this is a bad thing, it actually adds to the film's charm, it looks like a low budget porno flick not out of the mid 2000s but like it was shot in the early or mid 90s and maybe that's why, despite some of it's flaws, I still like it.  Plus you have to love any Dukes Of Hazzard porn parody-gay or straight-that has a big 69 painted on The General Lee. Oh and the theme song is one of the catchiest I've ever heard, it's like that damn Strokemon theme, that will get stuck in your head and you will find yourself humming different verses randomly throughout the day. And we have the, of course, funny narrator in the form of Grandpa Dave.
With a few exceptions, the film featured a group of cute twink performers, some of who I remember were talked of as being the "next hot thing" in the industry but, for whatever reason, they either never did another movie or their careers just didn't take off like some of the industry and fans predicted.
 The film starts off with Bo Dick (Brent Summers) in the barn of the Dick farm making some moonshine. As you do when you're a blonde floppy haired twink making moonshine he becomes horny and starts jerking off, using some of the 'shine as lube.
As always happens in these films, Sheriff Roscoe (Marc Sterling), who hates Bo and his cousin Luke and spends the whole film trying to lock them up, shows up and catches him. They begin making out and soon, Brent is sucking Marc's cock in what has to be the shortest blowjob scene in industry history; I'm serious. It's a total blink and you'll miss it thing.
Brent then bends over and Marc rims him and here you will start to wonder how much longer this torturous sex scene goes on. Marc does his best to be into it but Brent just seems bored throughout the whole thing; you can tell by his facial expressions that he's zoned out or on drugs or something and he doesn't moan at all. I don't mean to bad mouth any performer because I don't know the kid's backstory but I just got the feeling that Brent Summers was "that guy" on set, you know the one I'm talking about, who thought he was a diva and "real star" and was the difficult pain in the ass to work with. At first I thought maybe he just didn't have chemistry with Marc but he has the same bored expression on his face in all his scenes. I wondered why they had cast him and thought maybe they really wanted Sammy Case and he wasn't available so they settled on someone who looks like him?
Anyway back to the scene.
The movements seemed very methodical and very rehearsed and planned out. There was none of the spontaneity that makes a good sex scene and in my mind I could hear the director giving them direction.
Even when Brent is riding Marc, who has some of the best expressions during sex I've seen, he still seemed bored.
Another problem I had with the scene is the boys stay in the positions for too short a period of time before they switch and the fucking is just boring. There's no life. No passion. No energy. At one point, Brent is sitting on Marc and they aren't even doing anything; Brent isn't riding him and Marc isn't even thrusting. I even asked myself, are they even really fucking or doing that fake simulated Cinemax bullshit? And when Brent cums the only thing I was left thinking was how and why did he do that?
After Brent cums, Marc jerks off while Brent's ass is over him but again I was like why is his ass there? For Marc's stimulation? Brent doesn't moan or talk dirty or shake his ass or finger himself, it's just there. An ass. Over Marc who cums on his chest giving some good moans and facial expressions but it's not enough to save the boring scene and I was left thinking, thank God it's over and Jesus if that was the opening how bad are the rest of the scenes going to be?
After they get dressed Marc says he's still taking Brent in. Brent gets away by hitting Marc with a baseball and knocking him out.
 We are then introduced to a Farmhand (Jayden Holloway) and Luck Dick (played by my friend Brant Moore) and thank God this scene is next because these two save the film and keep the viewers watching. The two of them passionately make out, and it's obvious that they are both into it and each other, before Jayden gives a great blowjob to Brant.
The two of them then. of course, lay in the hall and continue to make out before Brant blows Jayden, showing off his deep throat skills.
These two are really into each other. From the way Jayden moans during Brant's rim job to the enjoyment both of them get when Brant fucks him doggy style to the great passion and making out they have while Brant fucks Jayden in the missionary position on top of a hay bale it is easy to see why Brant got top billing and why Jayden got a featuring credit.
While in the missionary position on top of the hay, Brant makes Jayden cum while he's inside him before cumming on Jayden's chest, he says "I'm gonna nut," and the scene ends with them kissing and almost getting caught by Jayden's father (Kram) but Luke is able to get away thanks to Bo showing up in The General Lee just in the nick of time.

 Back on the farm we meet Uncle Jizzy Dick (Adam Faust) and, as Grandpa Dave tells us, "sleek piece of shit" Boss Cock (played wonderfully by my late friend Caleb Carter, rest in peace buddy. Still miss you!) It seems that Boss Cock wants the farm but he makes Uncle Jizzy a deal, if Jizzy wants to save the farm he'll suck Cock's cock. And he does but not before this hilarious delivery between them:
Jizzy: I should wring your neck.
Boss Cock: Only thing you'll be wringing is my cum out of your beard.
Now that's writing kids.
After the blow job, Boss makes Uncle Jizzy rim him and then fuck him. I don't know why but for some reason I liked that Uncle Jizzy kept his hat on while he fucked Boss Cock. After Boss Cock cums, with Uncle Jizzy's cock "still in his ass" he leaves to call Roscoe who he is in cahoots with to get The Dick Farm. And I put that in quotes because when Caleb walks away from Adam you can see that he is completely flaccid.

 We then go to the local pool hall where we meet Daisy Dick (played wonderfully by drag queen Reba Rose Rau; she even has the crop top and Daisy Duke shorts) and Scrooter (Alex Cross) and his two buddies (Mario Angel and Kyle Kensington) who are sitting around enjoying a beer talking about what they should do that night and lamenting the fact that, besides Daisy who is off limits, there are no girls out that time of night. As it always happens in these films, the three boys eventually admit that they wanna fuck each other and before you know it, Kyle and Mario are sucking Alex's cock before Mario, who throughout this scene seems to be the awkward third wheel and third man out, moves to the side and kisses the back of Kyle's neck.
Mario and Alex then make out while Kyle sucks both of them off but then the film does something that I never thought I'd see in a porno, we actually cut to a chase scene between Luke and Bo and Roscoe before cutting back to the threeway. It's a short cut and is completely unnecessary and I still can't see what the point of it is. But it gets worse, the threeway is then interrupted once more by Luke and Bo running in to do a whole exposition scene of them telling Daisy that they are in trouble and during this we can see the three boys, though blurry, still messing around in the background. Again, this is totally unnecessary here and could have been placed somewhere else. The only funny thing about the scene is when Daisy winks at the camera and says if Luke and Bo don't stay out of trouble she'll have to move to the big city and be one of those girls who does porn.
And then we're back to the threeway where Mario rims Alex on the pool table while Kyle sucks Alex off before sucking off Mario before he gets onto the pool table, straddles Alex and jerks him off while getting blown while Kyle licks Alex's balls.
And then we get another boring sex scene of Alex riding Kyle while Mario stands, awkwardly to the side, jerking off while rubbing Alex's chest and legs. The sex is boring and awkward because, unfortunately, Kyle doesn't seem to know how to thrust up into someone correctly while they are riding him but Alex seems to enjoy it, or else he's just a really good actor.
Alex and Mario then kiss while Mario jerks him off before Kyle and Alex move to the doggy style position on the pool table; poor Mario doesn't get any dick in this scene and I found myself wondering why is he even here? All he does his kiss Kyle's nipples while standing off to the side jerking off like an idiot.
The scene ends with Kyle on his back jerking off while Mario and Alex jerk off on his chest and stomach before Kyle gives us an impressive cum shot.
The three boys then get dressed just in time as Roscoe barges in looking for Daisy; he wants to lock up Bo and Luke with Uncle Jizzy. The boys protect their friends though saying they haven't seen any of The Dicks and Roscoe leaves. Daisy and her cousins then come out of hiding and come up with a plan to bail Uncle Jizzy out of jail. 

We then, because this is a Dukes of Hazzard parody, have a car chase between Luke and Bo and Roscoe. They lose him and the cousins, having gotten boners from the huge jump The General Lee did, decide to fuck after realizing they aren't blood related.
The boys go to the water tower and make out against it and while I have to give Brent Summers a little bit of credit for having a tad more passion in this scene then in his other sex scene he still looks bored and gives off the primadona vibe. I mean come on dude, you're being fucked by Brent Moore who was one of the hottest gay porn studs of the mid 2000s do you know how many dudes envied being in your position?
Brant sucks off Brent's dick who is completely silent during it before Brant lays down in the dirt and the two of them make out.
Brent Summers then sucks Brant's cock and let me just say he's really bad at blow jobs and gives off the impression almost like he thinks he's too good to be sucking dick. I wanted to yell at the scream where do you think you are honey? How do you think you got this job? No wonder he never made another movie.
Brant then fucks Brent doggy style and, bless his heart, Brant Moore tries to be into it but Brent still seems bored, keeping his head down and his eyes closed during it, almost as if in shame.
Brant then cums on Brent's back who barely and awkwardly cums at all before the two go back to town to wait for Daisy.
We then see Uncle Jizzy behind bars being watched by Officer Penis (played comically by Tyler Mason) who seems very into the blow job he gets from Adam Faust. Tyler has some amazing facial expressions through out the scene as he moves his hips back and forth really making sure Adam takes his entire length before he bends over so Uncle Jizzy can finger his ass before Tyler goes into the cell where Uncle Jizzy throws him onto the bed and has Officer Penis suck his dick while Uncle Jizzy fingers him.
Adam then fucks Tyler doggy style and this was the only problem I had with the scene, Tyler makes some weird faces during it. I couldn't tell if he was in pleasure or pain.
Adam then fucks him missionary before they stand up and Tyler bends over offering Adam his ass and let me say Tyler is a moaner and he even bites his own arm while getting fucked. Then it's back to the missionary position and Tyler jerks off while Adam fucks him. Tyler's moans rise higher and higher before he cums and he actually sounds like a girl. The scene ends with Adam jerking off on his chest.
Daisy then shows up with a gun and makes Tyler strip and swap clothes with Uncle Jizzy. She then wants to know what Roscoe and Boss Cock are up to and Officer Penis spills the beans before getting knocked out by Uncle Jizzy who handcuffs him to the toilet inside the jail cell.
Daisy and Uncle Jizzy then go to meet up with the others to save the farm.
Roscoe and Boss Cock then show up at the jail and see Officer Penis still passed out in the cell, however since he's dressed like Uncle Jizzy they think that's who it is. The two find a bottle of lube Daisy strangely left behind on the desk and think it's Officer Penis' and that he left to get some action.
Boss Cock then orders Roscoe to give him a blow job and the sheriff gladly obliges. Caleb enjoys the enthusiastic blow job and rim job from Marc before Caleb sits on Marc for a weird shot of Marc running his dick across Caleb's crack before Caleb bends over the desk and gets fucked doggy style.
It's a short but hot scene, these two are really into each other and ends with Caleb jerking off while getting fucked in the missionary position before Marc shots another impressive load on him.
Boss Cock then offers to clean up Roscoe's cock by blowing him and, strangely Cock's lips get stuck around Roscoe's cock.
Daisy then comes in with a camera. Remember the bottle of lube she left there? Turns out, surprise, it wasn't lube. It was rubber cement. She then takes a picture of the two of them and says unless they want the picture to get out they will leave her family and their farm alone.

Back at the farm Jerry (Kyle Aames) is waiting for The Dicks to show up. All of our heroes show up and Jerry, who has been friends with Uncle Jizzy for a long time says the farm will stay in the family and everyone celebrates, as you do, with a celebratory orgy: Jizzy and Jerry, Bo, Luke and Mario and Scrooter and Kyle.
Okay bear with me, y'all. I hate reviewing orgy scenes, especially in this film, the action moved so fast it was hard to keep up so I'm just going to go into the highlights.
Jerry sucks Jizzy's cock while Kyle and Alex have a very passionate make out scene before Alex gets down on his knees to suck Kyle's cock; I almost wondered if these two developed feelings for each other or started dating or were dating during this; I wondered the same thing during Brant Moore and Jayden's scene as well. That's a good sex scene when it makes you wonder if the performers are actually a couple.
Anyway, Brant and Mario are busy making out while Brent Summers licks Brant's nipple before going over to join Alex and Kyle, sucking both of their dicks while Mario sucks off Brant.
Jerry and Uncle Jizzy then tell Alex and Kyle to join them so Brent goes back to Brant and Mario while Uncle Jizzy fucks Alex and Jerry fucks Kyle.
Brant and Mario make out passionately before Mario gets fucked doggy by Brant, finally the poor boy gets some in this film!, while he sucks off Brent Summers.
Back at the forgy, Uncle Jizzy makes Alex cum while Jerry cums on Kyle. They then send the two boys on their way telling them to go get cleaned up. Meanwhile Brant and Brent make out while Brant cums on Mario's back. Mario then goes to get cleaned up with others while Brant and Brent laugh about the day they had.
Overall, considering the budget and the talent, this isn't a bad parody it's just not a great one. While there are some great sex scenes, there's just two many bad ones and two many weird shots and cuts that make it difficult for the viewer to really get into it.
I only found myself rock hard during three of the sex scenes, the rest I just didn't care about and found myself actually looking at my phone and checking social media during the film.
The true professionals who enjoyed what they did make the film work: Caleb Carter, Marc Sterling, Adam Faust, Tyler Mason, Brant Moore and Reba Rose are the stand outs and save the film from being a complete disaster.  Unfortunately the awful performance by Brent Summers, I get it you weren't hired because of any acting ability you possess but when you can't even do a passable sex scene I can't forgive you, not to mention the awkward three way between Mario, Kyle and Alex and the let down when Bo and Luke finally fuck can not be forgiven and brings the films rewatchability down considerably. I would say if you do check this film out, skip the scenes with Brent Summers completely. If you really want to get off definitely watch Brant Moore's scene with Jayden, both of Caleb's scenes and Adam and Tyler's scene.
While I like this parody I wanted to love it. This was a golden opportunity to make a stellar parody of a great series and, unfortunately, the production just fell flat.
Overall grade: C-


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